The Chinese Are Creepy, Part 1,489,832,567

August 13, 2009


A Chinese man who had his leg amputated 20 years ago as a result of a drunk driving accident is doing his part to make people aware of the dangers of driving drunk – he shows them his severed leg.

Song Weiguo of Jiangyan, in China’s Jiangsu province, pulls out his severed leg from it’s sealed formaldehyde tank every year on the anniversary of his motorcycle accident 20 years ago. He then invites people over to his house and shows them the leg in an effort he hopes will shock them into thinking twice about driving while impared.

Song’s wife says she’s used to having the leg around after all these years, but that her husband is obsessed with it, even talking about it in his sleep sometimes.

Here’s what I can tell you about Song Weiguo’s efforts – Putting your 20 year old severed leg on display every August will deter people from one thing and one thing only:

Going to China.

Whatever happened to good old “Mothers Against Drunk Driving?”  Or better yet, you can still get the shock value of scaring people by showing them you only have one fucking leg.  No need to show a 2 decade-old stump hanging in the window like your house is a fucking butcher’s shop.

But let Song Weiguo go on talking about his ex-leg in his sleep.  Anything to keep their minds occupied other than the fact that they have strength in numbers and could take over the world at any moment is good for the rest of mankind.

For Sure NOT Show Severed Leg


Teen Breaks Into CT Home Just To Trim His Pubes

August 13, 2009


Asbury Park Press A Connecticut man confessed to breaking into a neighbor’s home after he felt bad about practicing personal hygiene there and then leaving behind pubic hair trimmings.  Manuel Gonzalez of Greenwich broke into a Locust Street home Wednesday while the owner was away to catch up on trimming his privates.  Later, he felt remorseful for his actions and confessed to the woman who owned the house. She called police, who charged the 18-year-old with first-degree burglary.

Whoa Whoa Whoa.  Hold the phone with this “first-degree burglary” nonsense.  This is a simple case of lost in translation.  Do you know how many rich Connecticut families hire Mexican guys to come to their house to trim the bushes?  Poor Manuel here is just a victim of miscommunication.

The way I see it, the owner of this home owes Manuel $50 and a bag of pubes.

For Sure NOT First-Degree Burglary

Prison Riot? Or Just My Weekend In Vegas?

August 12, 2009


CHINO, Calif. — Blood-soaked mattresses, singed bedding and abandoned medical supplies littered the campus of a Southern California prison Tuesday, a testament to the mayhem and violence of a weekend riot that shut down part of the institution and injured about 175 inmates, some critically.

Bubble in (c) on the Scantron, folks.  All the above.

Seriously, though, check out this footage of the aftermath of this California Prison Riot.  Looks like a fucking tornado of shank wielding Hispanics tore through this place.

By the way, white people racism is NOTHING compared to minority people racism.  Hispanic people and black people hate each other so much they kill each other.  White people just cross the street or lock their doors when they see minorities.  Except for cops.  White cops definitely shoot and murder minorities.  So, I guess scrap this whole commentary right here.

For Sure Prison Riot

Texas Inmate Hides Gun In His Fat Roll

August 12, 2009


HOUSTON (Aug. 8 ) — An obese inmate in Texas has been charged after officials learned he had a gun hidden under flabs of his own flesh.

Twenty-five-year-old George Vera was charged with possession of a firearm in a correctional facility after he told a guard at the Harris County Jail about the unloaded 9mm pistol. The Houston Chronicle reported Thursday that Vera was originally arrested on charges of selling illegal copies of compact discs.

You say overweight disgusting sloth, I say resourceful fellow with the wherewithal to use his blubber to his advantage.

If I was a fat ass When I inevitably become a fat ass, I am gonna use the depths of my fat rolls for all sorts of shit.  I’ll be hiding weapons too, in addition to food, tools, and all sorts of other shit.  You know that feeling when you put on your winter coat the first day its cold enough to wear it, and you find a $20 bill that you left in there from last season?

Well the only thing better than that is when you go to make a grilled cheese sandwich, and you open the fridge and you’re out of cheese, but then you find Kraft Singles underneath your fat roll and you’re in business.

For Sure Fat Rolls

What The Fuck Just Happened?

August 12, 2009


I return to you, Nation, a Broken Man – physically, emotionally, and financially.

I went to Vegas for what felt like 5 Days, 32 Nights.  I spent an ungodly amount of money, and return to my world of smut in shambles!

Lady Gaga has a fucking discostick, dethroning Kanye West for the #1 Spot on the FSKY Power Rankings.  The Yankees are like 29 gms ahead in first place, and there are fucking planes and shit colliding over Manhattan.  I can’t leave you idiots alone for 2 minutes without shit blowing up.

Anyway, I’m back.  Alive (Barely)  Let’s get this shit started once again.

For Sure Haven’t Slept In 7 Days, By The Way


Vegas Baby, Vegas

August 5, 2009


I’m off to Vegas, Nation!  Goddam, Hamptons all month and now a trip to Vegas for a bachelor party/wedding – Does anyone have a better life than me?

The answer to that question, of course, is a resounding yes.  I’m an internet smut peddler for God’s Sake – there are about 1 trillion people who have better lives than me.

Nonetheless, I’m gone til next Monday.  Try not to Kill Yourselves in my absence.

Also, there’s a chance I black out and die.  So lets hope that doesn’t happen.  I can guarantee you, though, my friends will be dragging my ass around the strip like this little motherfucker in the Verizon Store:

For Sure Vegas

I Don’t Know If This Is Medically Proven, Russia

August 5, 2009


MOSCOW (Reuters) – Russian soccer fans have been told to drink whisky on their trip to Wales for next month’s World Cup qualifier to ward off the H1N1 swine flu virus, the head of the country’s supporter association (VOB) said Monday.

“We urge our fans to drink a lot of Welsh whisky as a form of disinfection,” VOB head Alexander Shprygin told Reuters.

“That should cure all symptoms of the disease.”

“Russian fans don’t fear anything or anybody so this virus will not stand in our way of supporting our team.”

Something tells me crazy Soccer Hooligans use this method for just about every problem.

“Broke your leg?  Drink some whiskey.”

“AIDS?  We got the cure right here – Whiskey”

“Too drunk from drinking whiskey?  Drink some whiskey, you’ll sober up.”

“Whats the matter, you got whiskey dick?  Drink some whiskey, you’ll get it up.”

FS Whiskey