FSN Throwback of the Day – Riding the School Bus

July 27, 2009

school-bus

Bus 142.  I will never forget that number, cuz it belongs to the most dysfunctional school bus of all time.

I had this BUTCH dike named Coleen who rocked a short curly lezbot fro and those meathead weight lifting gloves with the fingertips cut off.  She wasa BEAST.  Like Farley in Billy Madison…except Farley was more attractive.  I’m not even kidding you I’d rather hook up with Chris Farley the Bus Driver than Coleen the Bus Driver

farleybusdriver

But enough about me and my sexual choices, back to the Throwback.

Lets start with the basics.  I’ll be blunt – If you rode a school bus that had a flat front, you were a fucking loser

buses+etc+004

For Sure NOT Flat Nose

I mean, which end is the front and which end is the back?  Fuckin bus sucks.

In the School Bus Era of your life maybe the only thing more important than where you sat in the cafeteria is where you sat in the bus.  Now its easy to sit here and tell you that only fat kids and girls who didn’t start growing boobs yet were relegated to the front of the bus and shunned like lepers.  But anyone who understands the Hierarchy of Seat Placement knows that the worst seat in the house is the the two directly on top of the back wheels.

The kid sitting on top of the wheel is like the Untouchables of Elementary School.  They are worse than fat kids and ugly girls; they are like the kids who still piss their pants and stuff.

You KNOW I was in the back seat like it was the VIP section of a fuckin club.  I’d have my lackey go up to all the smokeshows in the middle of the bus and pass a note with a personal invitation to come to the back with me.

And do you think that whoever gets on the Bus first gets the coveted back seats?

For Sure NOT.

You have to earn the Throne.  They say when you go to prison the first thing you do is take down the biggest, baddest motherfucker in G-Pop to earn the respect of all your inmates.

Well on a Yellow Cheese Bus, the “biggest baddest motherfucker” are the windows and the IMPOSSIBLE white switches that needed to be pinched in order to lower the window.  I’d say 1 in every 12 elementary schoolers could actually open the fucking windows on the bus.  So you stroll in Day 1 of the school year, walk right to the back, drop the windows on both side and let all the other snot nose kids know who’s boss.  You’ll be riding backseat with smokeshows till June if you do it right.

And when I wasn’t macking it to chicks on the bus I was killing it on the speed bumps.  I had two of them on my route to Valley Forge Elementary, and if you timed your jump perfectly as Coleen hit the speed bumps going 35 MPH you’d hit the fucking roof:

For SURE School Bus


FSN Throwback of the Day – Firecrackers

July 2, 2009

blockbus

In order to celebrate our Nation’s independence from the British, we as Americans decided to ceremonially blow shit up.  Makes sense.

Firecrackers as a little kid was probably about as dangerous as playing with knives, needles and fire rolled up into one.

I remember growing up in the Bronx there was a story about the neighborhood drunk smoking cigarettes and lighting M80s and throwing them into the water.  He’d light the M80 with his cigarette, throw the lit bomb, and then go back to smoking.  It was all good until he mixed up the order, threw his cigarette into the water, went to smoke the M80, and blew off his face.  True Story. Urban Legend.

Did that dissuade me from blowing shit up err Fourth of July???

FOR SURE NOT.

I started off small as a kid, nothing major.  Hell it was mostly confined to drawing my name in the sky with sparklers, throwing Snappers at my friends, and busting Cap Guns.  Hardly even firecrackers.

Pop_Pop_Snapperscaps

But then I grew a little older and I wanted the hard shit.  I wanted to go with some Black Ops type of shit.  The next natural step was Smoke Bombs, the gateway to fireworks/crackers.

9

Where did I get my smoke bombs?  Where else – the motherfuckin Ice Cream Man.

(Quick little aside and mini-throwback of its own right here, how fucking WEIRD are Ice Cream Men?  I mean seriously, how sick do you have to be to aspire to be a GD Ice Cream Man?  Now, growing up in the hood, my Ice Cream man was a one-stop-shop for everything a deliquent could use.

You could step up and be like “lemme get…lemme get, um, the baseball mitt ice cream with the gum ball in the middle, a red white and blue firecracker popsicle, 5 green smoke bombs and 2 dime bags of that sticky icky.  Oh, and please don’t kidnap and rape me in your van, Mr. Pedophile.  Thanks”

Bubble Play

Later in life when I was in like 8th grade my Ice Cream Man was actually a large butch lesbian who I eventually found out worked at topless dive bar named Billy Budd’s.  But that is neither here nor there.

P.S. these are the things I talk to my therapist about)

Back to the matter at hand.  So I stared killing it with smoke bombs, but I itched for more.  So then I scooped up some of your traditional actual firecrackers – the same kind Kevin McAllister uses in Home Alone to trick Marv into thinking that Snakes was blown away by Johnny and scare off the Little Nero pizza man.

homealonesnakes

Those KILLED it.

From there we moved on to Bottle Rockets.  This was essentially the most dangerous thing a young child could get their hands on.  They are fucking missiles. We used to put them inside the little hole at the end of a wiffle ball bat and we basically created a rocket launcher.  Where the fuck were my mom and dad growing up?  P.S. – any kids who try to shoot bottle rockets out of their assholes need to Kill Themselves

I think my fireworks career peaked at Roman Candles, which basically shot fire balls into the sky.  I will NEVER forget one of my craziest friends set off this HUGE bundle of Roman Candles that lasted for some absurd amount of time like 12 straight minutes.  Had the police swarming looking for us as we hid in bushes and shit.

Rockets Red Glare, bitches. Rockets Red Glare.

FSRRG.


FSN Throwback of the Day

June 24, 2009

PBS Educational TV Shows from the 90s

There is no denying that sometimes these shows flat out sucked.  But by the same token there is also no denying that you For Sure watched them and the nerd in you kinda liked them

Bill Nye The Science Guy

I’m about 100% sure that this Poor Man’s Danny Tanner look-a-like was a full blown pedophile.  I’m also sure that Mr. Wizard would give him a good old fashion ass kicking until he shit his pants.  I could see Mr. Wizard taking a swig of scotch out of his flask, humiliating Bill Nye intellectually and physically, and then go home and punish Mrs. Wizard.

That being said, he was 100 times better than that quack Beakman, from Beakman’s World, who just ran around a science lab with a dude dressed as a giant rat.  FSN Beakman.

Bill Nye actually taught some pretty cool shit, and if I could get my hands on a baby blue lab coat and a big black bow tie, I’d consider being him for Halloween

Ghostwriter

I’m not even gonna try to bullshit you, this show sucked.  Buncha ethnically diverse teeanagers solve mysteries through the help of a ghost that can only manipulate writing.

That has got to be the worst ghost ever.

Why didn’t they just write down every letter in the alphabet and Ghostwriter could do his swirly ghost magic and just form a sentence telling them exactly how to solve the mystery?

Alright.  Enough is enough.  Lets cut to the chase.

This Throwback is about one show and one show only

Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

carmensandiego

Ohhh what the fuck is up, GUMSHOES?

Carmen Sandiego KILLED IT.

(Quick side note – gross oversight on my part forgetting about Carmen Sandiego in the FSN Cartoon Smokeshow Tournament.  She’s a mysterious little minx who could FS get it)

WitWiCS? was about as legit as education television could get.  First off, the Gumshoes rocked these BADASS jackets:

gumshoe

with the fake ass Phil Collins host Greg Lee and the black Chief

greg

chief

Gotta collect those Acme Crime Bucks so you can get the warrant motherfuckers!  I love how the bad guys like Patty Larceny and Vick the Slick would steal entire buildings and landmarks.  Vick stole the Sphinx and ran off with it in his backpack for Carmen’s Birthday and shit like that.

Really though, my fondest Carmen Sandiego memories come down to two things:

1. The Bonus Round Map

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that this is the hardest game in the history of television game shows.  And yes, that includes the Legends of the Hidden Temple Medallion Race.

There would literally be a ZERO percent chance I would ever complete this.  45 seconds?  Cheap ass PBS couldn’t even give you a full minute?

That fake Phil Collins would be like “Ready, set, go!  Capital of Mozambique!”

And I’d just stand there with that giants siren on a pole for 45 seconds.

“I said, CAPITAL OF MOZAMBIQUE! now Go!”

and I’d kick that shit over and just say FSN.

And of course, the most imporant part of WitWiCS….

2. DO IT ROCKAPELLA!

I am not even REMOTELY kidding when I say that this track is HOT FIRE.  Like if I was a DJ I’d spin this shit at clubs.

Bitches get DOWN to Rockapella.  Trust that.

For Sure Carmen Sandiego


FSN Throwback of the Day

June 11, 2009

Throwback of the Day – POGs

Let me set the scene…the year was about 1994-1995.  I was wearing a No Fear hat with an And 1 shirt that said something to the effect of “Call me the bus driver, cuz I’m gonna take you to school.”  I was listening to “When I Come Around” by Green Day off the Dookie album on my discman, when I strolled up with a black canister in my hand.

That canister was filled with 50 of the most baddass fucking POGs you have ever seen, 49 of which probably had some variation of an “8 Ball” as the picture.

FS 8 Ball

I found some clown ass who wanted a piece of my POG collection.  He had one of those round rubber mats laid out.  It was on.

So he stacked them up, and I whipped my metal Skull Slammer

FS Slammer

And before this pansy could declare we weren’t playing for keeps, I ROCKED his stack, flipped his shit, and walked off with half his fucking collection.

Poor bastard didn’t know that there weren’t actually any rules to this game, it was all about throwing a piece of metal as hard as you can, intimidating the shit out of your opponent, and stealing his POGs.

Ah, the good old days, when schools hadn’t yet decided that POGs were some sort of abstract gambling and therefore needed to be banned from school grounds.

Have it your way, Mr. Principal.  Just know that you were personally responsible for breeding a school full of pussies playing with Tamagotchis.

Real men gambled with glorified Milk Caps.

For SURE POGs

100 Honor Credits to any member of FSN Nation who knows what POGs stands for without looking it up on Wikipedia


FSN Rookie of the Year

June 3, 2009

Rookie of the Year – Kristen Bell – Pootie Tang – 2001

I’m going to go ahead and say Kristen Bell is the most underrated girl in Hollywood.

Bold words, I know.  But she is 200% a SERIOUS SS.  Shes like a younger, hotter version of Kelly Ripa.

Put it this way – She’s hot enough that if I ever stumbled upon an marathon of Veronica Mars I’d stop to watch.  And thats saying A LOT cuz that show probably fucking SUCKS.

FS SM
FS KB
FS KB
FS KB

Oh, and one three more things.  Kristen Bell is

D

T

F

(Not Safe For Work, Unless You Work At A Porn Studio, Then It’s Safe. FSNSFWUYWAAPS,TIS)

Or, at least Sarah Marshall was DTF.  But I’d like to pretend that the real Kristen Bell is a lot like her.

For Sure Sarah Marshall Kristen Bell


FSN Throwback of the Day

May 31, 2009

Throwback of the Day – Presidential Fitness Tests In Gym Class

FUCK these tests.  Was there anything worse than these 5 shitty tests? OK kids, no Matball or Steal the Bacon today, instead we’re going work you to the bone with this lame challenge and the prize if you do good is a fucking patch.  Oh sweet cuz I have so many things that I wanna sew my Presidential Patch on to.

First and foremost everyone remembers The Mile.  I used to DREAD running The Mile like it was the fucking apocalypse.  And I don’t know who sets the standards to achieve the Presidential level, but you had to run that shit in like 3 minutes.  Sorry, Mr. President, I’m not Steve Prefontaine.  You could pencil me in for a solid 12 minute mile every year, finishing just seconds before the fat kid with asthma and the artsy girl who was running wearing fucking flip flops.

Fresh off a demoralizing Mile, was the Pull Ups.  Now I can’t even remember what the total number of Pull Ups to pass was, but I’m pretty sure my annual ZERO wasn’t cutting it.  I’d just hang from the bar for like 30 seconds and my gym teacher would be like “Ready, Set, GO!.”  “Go.”  “Um, I said you can start now.”

BITCH I KNOW BUT PULL UPS ARE FUCKING HARD.

And then some 35 pound girl would jump up on the bar and bang out like EIGHTEEN and I’d spend the rest of the year questioning my manhood.

But its all good.  I wasn’t about distance running or brute strength.  I was all about short bursts and agility – The Shuttle Run, Bitches.

Sometimes I think that chalkboard erasers were invented strictly for the Shuttle Run, and then after the fact someone realized they could be used to clean the chalkboard.

I could stop on a DIME on the hardwood and those erasers were MINE.

The Sit Ups weren’t so bad.  Except they made your cross your arms and hold your shoulders.  WTF was that about?

Loved the Sit Ups though cuz every year somebody farted.  Like CLOCKWORK.  Sometimes I’d even delay my start just to look down the line and see which poor bastard holding the fat kid’s ankles got blasted with a Sit Up Fart.  Classic.

And the finale of this shitty Gauntlet of Gym Class was the ridiculous V Sit and Reach.  I killed it, but who fucking cares that test is useless.  There was always one kid who was riiidiculously un-flexible and couldn’t even reach the wooden thing until the gym teacher pushed his back and ripped his hamstring just so he could get a score on the board.

Long story short I never won the Presidential Award cuz I sucked at like 60% of the test.  But the same kids who won the patch were the same kids getting ROCKED in the face with a dodgeball when normal gym class resumed, courtesy of Me.

For Sure NOT Presidential Fitness Test


FSN Throwback of the Day

May 14, 2009

Throwback of the Day – Top 5 Games Played with a Blue Ball

Back in the Juice Box Era, before Blue Balls meant something so so so terrible for men everywhere, a Blue Ball was completely essential to life on the playground.

1. “Butts Up”

FOR SURE BUTTS UP

(Much better picture than some fat kid getting pegged in the ass with a ball)

Or you may have called this game Redass, Suicide, Off the Wall, Wall Ball or a slew of other names.

I could play this game literally for hours on end.  I can vividly recall the smell of a new Blue Ball and the popping sound is made as it whipped off the wall.  I can remember running for dear life towards the wall anytime I bobbled the ball, full well knowing I was FS getting pegged in the back.

Getting bent over the wall after three outs was one of the more terrifying things a kid can experience in their childhood.  The first couple kids would always miss, but you’d hear it wizz right past your F’n ear and you knew they were zeroing in.  And then there was the one kid who was like 5 years older than you and the pitcher on the baseball team who would just ROCK you.  Shot right to the back of the calf and you’re down for the count.

2. “Running Bases”

Was there an easier game than this?  Pick two spots, and run in between them.  Brilliant.

I was a master of cunning in this game.  The ole’ fake the throw and draw all the mental midgets off the base and then peg the fuck out of them.  And then when I was a runner the “AIRMAIL!” move knocking the throw away from the catcher.  It wasn’t even fun to play with me I was so good.

3. “Hit the Blue Ball With an Aluminum Bat”

Holy shit this game fucking KILLED IT.  I am pretty sure I could hit a Blue Ball 800 feet with an aluminum bat.  Only thing was you were guaranteed to lose the ball err time you played.

The only game better than this was “Hit the Golf Ball With the Tennis Racket.”  That shit went about a quarter of a mile and most likely hit small children or house windows.

4. “Stick Ball”

Now, I’m no guinea from 1950’s Brooklyn, so I never dabbled in stick ball.  But I’m sure that shit was pretty fun.  Still would rather just rocked it as far as I could with a normal bat.

5. “Off the Roof”

Pretty sure I just made this game up, but I told you top 5 games, so I needed a fifth.  We used to just throw the ball up onto a slanted roof and catch it once it rolled off.  This would last about 10 throws, before the ball inevitably got caught in the Skybounce Graveyard – the dreaded gutter.

Yea I guess that game pretty much sucks but it woulda sucked if I was like “Top 4 Games to Play with a Blue Ball.”

Ah those were the days.  I’d probably give up a paycheck to put a few of my bosses up on the wall and peg the bluck out of them.

For Sure Blue Balls.

Funny how after the age of 14 that is a SERIOUS FSN.  But in this context, it’s FS an FS.

** Update – Great to hear I wasn’t the only one who played Off the Roof.  I was convinced FSN Nation was gonna be like what the fuck is this kid talking about?  But errbody in the comments section let me know Off the Roof was legit.

FSOTR