FSN Rookie of the Year – Tiffany Amber Thies…Fuck It. This Chick Will Always Be Kelly Kapowski

August 14, 2009

FS_ROYKelly Kapowski – Saved By The Bell – 1989


There is only one woman on the planet earth who was more influential in my life than Kelly Kapowski, and that’s my mother.  And its still a toss up at that.  Kelly Kapowski was THAT important.  She let me know I wasn’t gay.

She is the most important Smokeshow of the 90s generation.  Some will argue Pam Anderson as CJ in Baywatch.  Point well taken, valid argument there.  But nobody could relate to The Hoff and a crew of life guards running around the beach.  Every kid could relate to Bayside School: Every guy wanted to be Zack, and wanted to fuck Kelly.  And by “wanted to fuck” I mean “wanted to give Kelly one of those television/movie kisses where you open your mouth but don’t slip any tongue.”

Whether she was working at the Max:

Kelly The Max

Or in her lifeguard uniform at Malibu Sands:

CLASSIC 1990s High Cut Hips One Piece Bathing Suit

CLASSIC 1990s High Cut Hips One Piece Bathing Suit

Or in her Bayside Cheerleading Uniform:

Or in a various assortment of floral pattern dresses:

Kelly Flower 1Kelly Flower 2

Bottom line, she was a can’t miss SS.  She was Rookie of the Year in 1989, MVP in 1993, and now, in 2009, I present Kelly Kapowski with the first ever FSN SS Lifetime Achievement Award.

For being the greatest Highschool Cheerleader Babe of All Time, Kelly Kapowski always has been, and always will be the most important Smokeshow of the 1990s.

For Sure Kelly Kapowski


FSN Rookie of the Year – Vanna White

July 21, 2009

FS_ROYVanna White – 1982 – Wheel of Fortune

Vanna White First Episode

If my girl right here Vanna White isn’t the poster child for letting good looks get you through your life, then I don’t know who the fuck is.

Other than look like a smokeshow, her job was to turn letters. That’s it.  They even eventually made it easier for her and she only had to touch them for fuck’s sake.

But whatever, VW, Snake it Till You Make It!

Ironically, Vanna White’s first appearance on television was as a contestant on The Price is Right

Vanna White Price is Right

FFFFFF SSSSSS! She was a 23 year old DIME PIECE when she went on the PIR in 1980.  More importantly, Bob Barker was a 55 year old MACK in 1980

Bob Barker Young

and I PROMISE you Vanna Bid on His Showcase backstage after the show.  Just check out how he starts hitting on her right away for her “Get Serious” shirt:

Anyway, this isn’t a ROY Post about Bob Barker, so back to Vanna.

She did nothing but spin letters on WOF starting in 1982, and 5 years after her debut she appeared in a 1987 issue of Playboy

Vanna White Playboy Cover

I'd Like To Solve Her Puzzle, Please

We've got some soda, OJ, Purple Stuff...SUNNY D!  (My D is very Sunny, Vanna)

We've got some soda, OJ, Purple Stuff...SUNNY D! (My D is very Sunny, Vanna)

Full Photo Shoot Here…NSFW, 1987 Style

The best part about Vanna is that shes been doing it and doing it and doing it well for so long, she’s a human Before and After.

You get to see her 1980s Style:

Vanna White 80s

Through the 90s and up until today:

Vanna Black Dress

Still got it.

Oh and by the way, how many times do you think Vanna had to pepper spray this motherfucker:

Pat and Vanna

Yeesh.  For Sure NOT Pat Sajak.  Dude looks like he’s been sleeping in tanning beds and eating bowls of botox for breakfast in the morning

For Sure Vanna White

FSN Rookie of the Year

June 22, 2009


Rookie of the Year – Brittany Daniel – 1995 – The Basketball Diaries

Brittany Daniel has always been one of those girls who’s an SS but I never knew her name and never could pinpoint exactly which movies I knew her from.  So I  started looking for pictures of her for you mutts and I realized shes been in a ton of shit.

She started out as an SS in Basketball Diaries corrupting the SHIT out of Leo Dicaprio, making him blow lines and F’ing him:


Then she moved on to Sweet Valley High,  and you quickly learn that there are 2 of these broads:


Her and her twin sister played the roles of popular hot blond cheerleaders having Sister-Threesomes with the star quarterback.  Or something like that.  I’m like 65% sure that’s what that show was about.

I eventually pinned her down as “The Chick From Club Dread.” 


And finally, nowadays she plays the role of Kelly Pitts on The Game, which I’m SURE is one of the worst shows on television.  But her role as Kelly seems to be completely comprised of dressing up in the bedroom for her professional athlete husband:



daniel pole

FS playing dreSS up

But, all these other roles aside, Brittany Daniel sealed her fate in my book with her role as the Carmen the Tranny on It’s Always Sunny:


For Sure Smokeshow Even Though She Plays A Tranny


~ Shout out to the Juggernaut for the ROY Submission

FSN Rookie of the Year

June 14, 2009

Rookie of the Year – Roselyn Sanchez – 1992 – Captain Ron

Happy Puerto Rican Day, Nation!  In honor of the Puerto Rican Day Parade, I bring you Puerto Rican Air Horns, PR Flags on the hoods of cars:

For Sure NOT

and a various assortment of sexual assault and weapon/drug charges!

FSN.  From the saftey of my own caucasian home, listening to Eric Clapton, watching Friends and drinking Jager, I bring you a Rookie of the Year with the hottest Puerto Rican chick ever, Roselyn Sanchez.

I couldn’t find a single picture of her actually in the movie Captain Ron, but I just wanted to point out that at the age of 19 she was apart of one of the greatest movies ever.

After Captain Ron, she played the SS Puerto Rican girl speaking in Spanglish saying “mami” and “papi” in Rush Hour 2, Chasing Papi, Boat Trip, and my personal favorite, Underclassmen with Nick Cannon.


Oh, and she also knows how to work a banana


For Sure Roselyn Sanchez

FSN Rookie of the Year

June 10, 2009

Rookie of the Year – Sarah Chalke – Roseanne – 1993

Holy Shit!  Ordinarily I’ll save a shout out till after a post but F that – Huge shout out to CD29 for one of the best Rookie of the Year picks out there.

You see, ROY is not just about being a smokeshow.  95% of the time its about being a smokeshow.  The other 5% is about picking a chick who NOBODY remembers as being hot.  To this day, the best one is Shawna Waldron, a.k.a. Ice Box.  But Sarah Chalke is right up there at the top of the for her role as Becky Conner-Healy on Roseanne.  Cuz this ROY is like a fucking onion.  For Sure Has Layers.

First off, I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone pin Sarah Chalke as Becky Conner-Healy on Roseanne.  This is partly cuz Roseanne was the most God awful show of all time.  It was a comedic ghetto, devoid of anything appealing or funny.

Secondly, don’t be confused by Becky #1.  Sarah Chalke played the second Becky on Roseanne.  Becky #1, Lecy Goranson, looked like this:

FSN Dr. Elliot

But that is FSN Sarah Chalke, even though they look goddam identical younger/older versions of each other.

FS Becky #1 and #2

Finally, Sarah Chalke’s role as Dr. Elliot on Scrubs is one of the most contested, debatable FS, FSN, or SS Situations out there.

Most guys out there aren’t gonna call her an SS.  But that’s mostly cuz shes a goofy character on a comedy who they make look like this:

FS Dr. Elliot

But she can also look like this:

FS Dr. Elliot

Bottom line though…nobody remembers this chick as white trash Becky.

FSN Becky.

FS Dr. Elliot.

~ Shout out to CD29.  Send all ROY submissions and any other FSN content to 4surenot@gmail.com

FSN Rookie of the Year

June 3, 2009

Rookie of the Year – Kristen Bell – Pootie Tang – 2001

I’m going to go ahead and say Kristen Bell is the most underrated girl in Hollywood.

Bold words, I know.  But she is 200% a SERIOUS SS.  Shes like a younger, hotter version of Kelly Ripa.

Put it this way – She’s hot enough that if I ever stumbled upon an marathon of Veronica Mars I’d stop to watch.  And thats saying A LOT cuz that show probably fucking SUCKS.


Oh, and one three more things.  Kristen Bell is




(Not Safe For Work, Unless You Work At A Porn Studio, Then It’s Safe. FSNSFWUYWAAPS,TIS)

Or, at least Sarah Marshall was DTF.  But I’d like to pretend that the real Kristen Bell is a lot like her.

For Sure Sarah Marshall Kristen Bell

FSN Rookie of the Year

May 25, 2009

Rookie(s) of the Year(s) – 1990s – Top 5 Road Rules/Real World SS’s Everyone Forgets About

5. Melinda – Real World Austin

FS Melinda

OK, so NOBODY forgot about Melinda, but shes thoroughly attractive, so I couldn’t make a list without putting her on there.  For some reason she fell for the Roid Monkey who got his face DEMOLISHED by one of the nastiest one-punches the world has ever seen from some dude in a street fight.

FSN Danny

Looks like she keeps it pretty classy when she goes out for a night on the town, too

FSN classy


4.  Jamie – Real World San Diego

FS Jamie

Jamie is one of the hottest Asians ever on MTV.  I propose that from here on out, every time Tila Tequila is given a role on a TV show or is supposed to do a photo shoot, Jamie Chung steps in. Because,

A) Tila Tequila looks like Gizmo

FS Gremlins

B) Jamie looks like this

FS J Chung

Ok.  So, they both look like Gizmo.  But, Jamie probably has 1,000 fewer STDs than Tila Tequila

3.  Lori – Real World Back to New York

FS Lori

Lori Trespicio is a gorgeous broad.  However, because she decided not to go on like 100 different MTV ChallengeDuelGuantletBattles, there isn’t much out there on the interweb.  But she’s a half Irish half Filipino S f’n S who was probably the prettiest chick ever on the Real World.

2.  Cameron – Real World San Diego

FS San Diego

Cameran was the cookie cutter Southern Belle from Anderson, South Carolina.  Absolute SS who you know is dying to do nothing more than cook, clean, and get down.  Oh, she also proclaimed she loved her vibrator on national TV and then hosted a Girls Gone Wild DVD.  Check Please.

FS Cam

1.  Mallory – Real World Paris


For SURE Smokeshow.  Mallory must be laughing at all these other trashbag Real World chicks who people think are hot like Tonya and Trischelle like “Ok girls, have fun trying to wrestle Coral and Aneesa in a pit of glass surrounded by a ring of fire trying to find a special key to solve the puzzle inside of an active volcano all in an effort to try and win like $30,000 split 14 ways.  I’m gonna go take pictures with Bar Rafaeli and Marissa Miller for SI’s Swimsuit Issue.”


Mallory also models for Abercrombie & Fitch and J Crew.  GD.

For Sure Forgotten Smokeshows