FSKY Jungle

March 20, 2009

AOKIGAHARA FOREST, Japan (CNN)Aokigahara Forest is known for two things in Japan: breathtaking views of Mount Fuji and suicides. Also called the Sea of Trees, this destination for the desperate is a place where the suicidal disappear, often never to be found in the dense forest.

Henceforth, this Suicidal Mecca formerly known as the Aokigahara Forest will now be referred to as “FSKY Jungle.”

I can just see it now – Small Asian family wandering the FSKY Jungle in search of the perfect photo with Mount Fuji in the background when all the sudden a bus pulls up and like 30 Ninjas jump out and just start offing themselves cuz they couldn’t pay their Ninja bills.

I’ll tell you what though, the FSKY Jungle is ripe with business opportunities.  Yea that’s right, I’m like Warren fuckin Buffet, I say cashflow errywhere I go.  Take Taro, for instance, the young man featured in the article who bought his one way ticket but failed at killing himself – You think he’s happy he failed at his sepuku attempt and now subsequently lives his life a Toeless Suicide Failure? Fuck NO!.  That’s even more shameful than getting fired, this dumpy guy needs to double kill himself now.

That’s where I step in.  I’ll set up shop at the front of FSKY Jungle with all your necessary suicide needs.  Like a hot dog vendor, only instead of hot dogs, I’ll sell samurai swords and ropes and shit.  Tourist maps to all the best suicide places in the whole forest.  You know how Asian tourists are I’d make a fuckin killing doing that.  I’ll mail out your suicide letters for you, and I’ll even pretend that I’m going to fulfill your final wishes.  Full f’n service.

FSKY Jungle.

~ Shout out to the Garbageman for the link


January 11, 2009

“I want the freedom of having less fans,” West explained. “It’s like the freedom of having less money. If you have less money, you have less responsibility. It’s like Björk. If she wanted to pose naked, you’d be like, ‘Oh, that’s Björk.’ But if I wanted to pose naked, people would draw all type of things into it. I definitely feel like, in the next however many years, if I work out for two months, that I’ll pose naked.”

– Kanye West. Vibe Magazine.

I wake up everyday of my life and the first thing I do is check if Kanye West has killed himself yet. Unfortunately he’s still alive.

Now I can check the status of this dickhead too:

For Sure Douche

“UCLA has a lot of beautiful girls, including their cheerleaders. And female fans’ attention is part of the life on campus, and it’s all good…But sometimes, the girls and fans can get a little pushy… And you get some invasion of privacy, like I said, they’re knocking on your door, all the time. There’s no secret where you’re staying when you’re living on campus. Most freshman and sometimes sophomores stay on campus, so they’re the ones getting hit on. Hey, if that’s what you want, that’s cool. But as you get older, as things get more serious about a possible pro career, you move off.”

– Jordan Farmar, Playboy.com

Yea guys, I totally understand. Unimaginable wealth and prolific sexual escapades is for the birds. Just let me live paycheck to paycheck, masturbating to naked pictures of Bjork. That sounds much better.