Bus 142. I will never forget that number, cuz it belongs to the most dysfunctional school bus of all time.
I had this BUTCH dike named Coleen who rocked a short curly lezbot fro and those meathead weight lifting gloves with the fingertips cut off. She wasa BEAST. Like Farley in Billy Madison…except Farley was more attractive. I’m not even kidding you I’d rather hook up with Chris Farley the Bus Driver than Coleen the Bus Driver
But enough about me and my sexual choices, back to the Throwback.
Lets start with the basics. I’ll be blunt – If you rode a school bus that had a flat front, you were a fucking loser
I mean, which end is the front and which end is the back? Fuckin bus sucks.
In the School Bus Era of your life maybe the only thing more important than where you sat in the cafeteria is where you sat in the bus. Now its easy to sit here and tell you that only fat kids and girls who didn’t start growing boobs yet were relegated to the front of the bus and shunned like lepers. But anyone who understands the Hierarchy of Seat Placement knows that the worst seat in the house is the the two directly on top of the back wheels.
The kid sitting on top of the wheel is like the Untouchables of Elementary School. They are worse than fat kids and ugly girls; they are like the kids who still piss their pants and stuff.
You KNOW I was in the back seat like it was the VIP section of a fuckin club. I’d have my lackey go up to all the smokeshows in the middle of the bus and pass a note with a personal invitation to come to the back with me.
And do you think that whoever gets on the Bus first gets the coveted back seats?
For Sure NOT.
You have to earn the Throne. They say when you go to prison the first thing you do is take down the biggest, baddest motherfucker in G-Pop to earn the respect of all your inmates.
Well on a Yellow Cheese Bus, the “biggest baddest motherfucker” are the windows and the IMPOSSIBLE white switches that needed to be pinched in order to lower the window. I’d say 1 in every 12 elementary schoolers could actually open the fucking windows on the bus. So you stroll in Day 1 of the school year, walk right to the back, drop the windows on both side and let all the other snot nose kids know who’s boss. You’ll be riding backseat with smokeshows till June if you do it right.
And when I wasn’t macking it to chicks on the bus I was killing it on the speed bumps. I had two of them on my route to Valley Forge Elementary, and if you timed your jump perfectly as Coleen hit the speed bumps going 35 MPH you’d hit the fucking roof:
For SURE School Bus