Welcome, Nation, to Episode IV of a little something I like to call
I was killing it this weekend with the Big Weisel in Manayunk, so I figured lets dive into another one of Weezy’s masterpieces from Valley Forge Elementary. (By the way, for those of you in FSN Nation who grew up in that area with me, this past weekend settled the “Which elementary school is the best?” debate, as VFE crushed a buncha clown asses from New Eagle in a various assortment of drinking and lawn games.)
Anyway, back to SSR. Today’s feature is The Five Wishes
Oh Weisel, Weisel, Weisel. Your goddam pictures make me look like Vincent Van fucking Gogh.
One night, Weisel was walking through the park
Let me explain that this is EXACTLY what Weisel looks like. An Armless blue blob, with no feet, and a face that consists of only a mouth. Love the black moon as he strolls through the park.
So, what was in this park? Why was Weezy walking there? Who was he with? Hopefull these will be answered on the next page. As any normal story would.
Weisel found a note. It said “you will get five wishes granted carefully.”
Or you could completely abandon the whole park thing, and go back to this strange bed with a black arm, a note, and a random green box.
Same fucking picture as the cover too, you lazy dumptruck.
Creative, too. FSN. Not a genie, or a witch or a fairy granting wishes. Nope. Just a careful wish-granting piece of paper.
He wished to be the player of the game at basketball. He was. The score was 24 to 92.
Well, the good news is, Weezy grew a pair of arms somewhere in between page 1 and now. The bad news is he has no fucking concept of size and is apparently taller than a basketball hoop.
He wished that he would beat his brother in football. He did. The score was 42-0.
Well at least you didn’t use the exact same words from the previous page and just change the game to football. Dick.
Only Weezy would need to use 1 of his 5 wishes on beating his armless brother in football.
And he beat his brother in hockey, 7 to 9.
You had divine magic working on your side and you still gave up SEVEN GOALS in one-on-one hockey? You suck so much words cannot describe.
Three wishes down, and all we have is Weezy’s raging inferiority complex with his brother. So now we have established thanks to the Magical Note you are better at your brother in basketball, football and hockey.
What will the last two wishes be? Super human strength? X-Ray vision? Fly to the moon? Let’s find out…
About the Author – Weisel is seven years old and in the first grade. His favorite subjects in school are library, gym and math. During his free time he likes to play Ninetendo and play outside. He especially likes to play basketball. He hopes to be a professional basketball player when he grows up
GIVE ME. MY FUCKING. MONEY. BACK.
You give me a book called The Five Wishes and only give me three fucking wishes?
All of which entailed you beating your armless brother in one-on-one sports?
Un be fucking lievable.
For Sure NOT Five Wishes
For Sure Three.