Throwback of the Day – Presidential Fitness Tests In Gym Class
FUCK these tests. Was there anything worse than these 5 shitty tests? OK kids, no Matball or Steal the Bacon today, instead we’re going work you to the bone with this lame challenge and the prize if you do good is a fucking patch. Oh sweet cuz I have so many things that I wanna sew my Presidential Patch on to.
First and foremost everyone remembers The Mile. I used to DREAD running The Mile like it was the fucking apocalypse. And I don’t know who sets the standards to achieve the Presidential level, but you had to run that shit in like 3 minutes. Sorry, Mr. President, I’m not Steve Prefontaine. You could pencil me in for a solid 12 minute mile every year, finishing just seconds before the fat kid with asthma and the artsy girl who was running wearing fucking flip flops.
Fresh off a demoralizing Mile, was the Pull Ups. Now I can’t even remember what the total number of Pull Ups to pass was, but I’m pretty sure my annual ZERO wasn’t cutting it. I’d just hang from the bar for like 30 seconds and my gym teacher would be like “Ready, Set, GO!.” “Go.” “Um, I said you can start now.”
BITCH I KNOW BUT PULL UPS ARE FUCKING HARD.
And then some 35 pound girl would jump up on the bar and bang out like EIGHTEEN and I’d spend the rest of the year questioning my manhood.
But its all good. I wasn’t about distance running or brute strength. I was all about short bursts and agility – The Shuttle Run, Bitches.
Sometimes I think that chalkboard erasers were invented strictly for the Shuttle Run, and then after the fact someone realized they could be used to clean the chalkboard.
I could stop on a DIME on the hardwood and those erasers were MINE.
The Sit Ups weren’t so bad. Except they made your cross your arms and hold your shoulders. WTF was that about?
Loved the Sit Ups though cuz every year somebody farted. Like CLOCKWORK. Sometimes I’d even delay my start just to look down the line and see which poor bastard holding the fat kid’s ankles got blasted with a Sit Up Fart. Classic.
And the finale of this shitty Gauntlet of Gym Class was the ridiculous V Sit and Reach. I killed it, but who fucking cares that test is useless. There was always one kid who was riiidiculously un-flexible and couldn’t even reach the wooden thing until the gym teacher pushed his back and ripped his hamstring just so he could get a score on the board.
Long story short I never won the Presidential Award cuz I sucked at like 60% of the test. But the same kids who won the patch were the same kids getting ROCKED in the face with a dodgeball when normal gym class resumed, courtesy of Me.
For Sure NOT Presidential Fitness Test