Throwback of the Day – Top 5 Childhood Books that KILLED it
1. Goosebumps by R.L. Stine
First off, there was about 175,000 books in the Goosebumps series. I bet good ole RL is still writing them.
How obnoxious is that name, by the way? R.L. Like hes some sort of legendary author using his initials as his pen name. I like to think of RL Stine as some ballin’ ass motherfucker who’s still spending money from ‘94 – sittin on a bed made out of money surrounded by hoes like “yeaaa bitches I write books about plants coming to life and these little MFers EAT THAT SHIT UP.”
Instead, he’s just Bobby Stine, and he looks like this:
My favorite was The Werewolf of Fever Swamp – Partly cuz I like dogs and partly cuz I liked the cover, and I’m shallow and materialistic and only like attractive stuff. The Phantom of the Auditorium was up there on my list as well.
Eventually they game out with the TV show Goosebumps, which was sick but just a watered down version of Are You Afriad of the Dark?
2. Matt Christopher Books
FFFFF SSSSS. The Kid Who Only Hit Homers was Christopher’s Tour De Force. Every other book was some dumpy shit like “The Quarterback Who Threw The Ball To The Reciever” or “The Soccer Goalie Who Was Allowed To Use His Hands To Make The Save Because It Says So In the Rule Book.” Dude wrote SEVENTY EIGHT books. 78! Thats only 174,922 away from RL Stine’s total.
The Kid Who Only Hit Homers was a masterpiece. Except for the fact that the title gave away the outcome of literally every goddam at-bat. Everyone thinks that the “Kid” (Sylvester) was visited by some sort of reincarnated spirit of Babe Ruth – in the form of George Baruth – and thats how he was able to hit all his home runs.
In reality George Baruth was from the Dominican Republic and hooked up Sylvester with 4 cycles of Premabolin and HGH. I put an asterisk on the whole f’n book.
3. Sideways Stories from Wayside School
Wayside School was supposed to be 30 Classrooms in a 1 story building. Instead it was a 30 story building, with one classroom on each floor! Can you believe that????
Yea I can its just a fucking skyscraper.
Book was dope though. I knew it was gonna be a classic after the 1st story, when the kids murder their teacher by turning her into an apple and eating her.
4. George’s Marvelous Medicine
Most people were all up on Roald Dahl’s dick for James and The Giant Peach or The BFG. Well, JatGP sucked. And BFG was only good because I’m pretty sure it introduced me to the work “fuck,” cuz everyone used to joke it was called The Big Fucking Guy.
George’s Marvelous Medicine was about a kid with a bitch Grandmother so he poisons her with a mix of harmful household products. FSN gonna beat a storyline like that.
And Now, my finale for today’s Throwback. Quite possibly the most clever and original tale of all time –
5. The Indian in the Mother F’n Cupboard
I am not even remotely kidding when I tell you that The Indian in the Cupboard is the Greatest of All Time. FSGOAT.
A magical cupboard used with a antique key to bring minature cowboys and indians to life?????? Little Bear and Boone trying to kill each other so Omri needs to bring a World War I medic to life to save them????? Can you think of anything that a 10 year old would find cooler than that?
I often think about what could compare to Omri’s cupboard for a 20 something male. It would have to be a life size closet that could create beer and make smokeshow Barbies come to life.
Basically it would just be strippers stuffed in a refrigerator.
For SURE Indian in the Cupboard