May 31, 2009

We all knew where this was heading, folks.  There were plenty of SS’s along the way, but this tournament really only had one or two realistic scenarios for the Finals.  Jessica Rabbit vs. either Ariel or Jasmine.  Just so happens Ariel got the best of Jasmine in their Final Four, and now the ultimate battle of Cartoon Gingers is set for the Championship Showdown.

For those of you tuning in late to the FSN Cartoon Smokeshow Tournament, you can see how we arrived at this finale below.

Hanna Region – Round 1, Round 2

Barbera Region – Round 1, Round 2

Minnie Mouse Region – Round 1, Round 2

Betty Boop Region – Round 1, Round 2

Hanna and Minnie Mouse Sweet 16, Barbera and Betty Boop Sweet 16

Elite 8, Final 4

And now we have arrived at the Finals

#1 Jessica Rabbit



#1 Ariel

FS Ariel

What can I say about either of these SS’s that I haven’t yet said?  Its like when you get the top 2 teams in the Nation in the NCAA Finals and you’ve already heard every story line there is to hear.

But the NCAA Finals always provide one last jolt of drama, and over here at FSN it’s no different.

Jessica Rabbit was the heavy favorite coming in, but Ariel carried some of her momentum over her Final Four victory over Princess Jasmine and took the early lead.  But Ariel is just a girl.  At only 15 years old, her SS Status is relatively new.

Jessica Rabbit, on the other hand, is a seasoned SS veteran.  A grown woman stringing dudes, she knows exactly how to work it.

In the final notch on Jessica Rabbit’s belt, we turn to the nudity urban legend in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? The myth says that during a car crash scene driving through Toon Town, J Rabbit’s dress flies up, exposing her Britney to the world.


It’s slutiness like this that Ariel simply cannot keep up with.  From strip teases to naked flashing, Jessica Rabbit is the sexiest cartoon character to ever be drawn.

The FSN Cartoon Smokeshow Tournament Champion – Jessica Rabbit.

For the 2009 FSN One Shining Moment, we pay tribute to the hottest cartoon SS of all time with Jessica Rabbit’s finest on screen moment of her career – Why Don’t You Do Right

FS Striptease

We all knew where this was going.  She was just too much for all other cartoon SS’s to handle.

For Sure Jessica Rabbit.


FSN Throwback of the Day

May 31, 2009

Throwback of the Day – Presidential Fitness Tests In Gym Class

FUCK these tests.  Was there anything worse than these 5 shitty tests? OK kids, no Matball or Steal the Bacon today, instead we’re going work you to the bone with this lame challenge and the prize if you do good is a fucking patch.  Oh sweet cuz I have so many things that I wanna sew my Presidential Patch on to.

First and foremost everyone remembers The Mile.  I used to DREAD running The Mile like it was the fucking apocalypse.  And I don’t know who sets the standards to achieve the Presidential level, but you had to run that shit in like 3 minutes.  Sorry, Mr. President, I’m not Steve Prefontaine.  You could pencil me in for a solid 12 minute mile every year, finishing just seconds before the fat kid with asthma and the artsy girl who was running wearing fucking flip flops.

Fresh off a demoralizing Mile, was the Pull Ups.  Now I can’t even remember what the total number of Pull Ups to pass was, but I’m pretty sure my annual ZERO wasn’t cutting it.  I’d just hang from the bar for like 30 seconds and my gym teacher would be like “Ready, Set, GO!.”  “Go.”  “Um, I said you can start now.”


And then some 35 pound girl would jump up on the bar and bang out like EIGHTEEN and I’d spend the rest of the year questioning my manhood.

But its all good.  I wasn’t about distance running or brute strength.  I was all about short bursts and agility – The Shuttle Run, Bitches.

Sometimes I think that chalkboard erasers were invented strictly for the Shuttle Run, and then after the fact someone realized they could be used to clean the chalkboard.

I could stop on a DIME on the hardwood and those erasers were MINE.

The Sit Ups weren’t so bad.  Except they made your cross your arms and hold your shoulders.  WTF was that about?

Loved the Sit Ups though cuz every year somebody farted.  Like CLOCKWORK.  Sometimes I’d even delay my start just to look down the line and see which poor bastard holding the fat kid’s ankles got blasted with a Sit Up Fart.  Classic.

And the finale of this shitty Gauntlet of Gym Class was the ridiculous V Sit and Reach.  I killed it, but who fucking cares that test is useless.  There was always one kid who was riiidiculously un-flexible and couldn’t even reach the wooden thing until the gym teacher pushed his back and ripped his hamstring just so he could get a score on the board.

Long story short I never won the Presidential Award cuz I sucked at like 60% of the test.  But the same kids who won the patch were the same kids getting ROCKED in the face with a dodgeball when normal gym class resumed, courtesy of Me.

For Sure NOT Presidential Fitness Test

Hot Shit Download

May 29, 2009

Digital Love – Daft Punk

May 29, 2009

G Chat Registry in the Sky

The Garbageman raises a valid point.  But I’m on the fence here.  Once she steps out from behind that bar, if she goes home and F’s you, is it strictly because you tipped her?  I say no.

FS Prostitution or FSN?

May 29, 2009

EL PASO, Texas – What do you call a high-five that misses? Many would just call it awkward, but an El Paso school principal calls it assault. The misfire came last week when schools superintendent Lorenzo Garcia was giving principals high-fives while celebrating state test scores. When Garcia came to Barron Elementary School principal Mary Helen Lechuga and she didn’t raise her hand, he tapped her on the head instead.

But Lechuga , a former district administrator who was recently demoted , filed a police complaint saying she felt pain and feared what he might do next.

There is NOTHING worse than an awkward high five.  Nothing.  And ordinarily any time two high five participants are over the age of like 25 its guaranteed to be awkward.

The awkwardness begins when you are like 21 years old.  Every now and then a situation presents itself where you are like “Well, I think I’m old enough to give this guy a real handshake, but in the past we’ve always dapped it up with your typical Arm Wrestling Grip followed by the Thumb War Grip”

So you go in for the Half Shake Half Dap and the indecision leads to two guys gripping hands like they each have lobster claws.

And then once you’re like 30+ you just start to get old and you lose your athleticism.  I don’t know if it’s hand eye coordination or muscle memory or what, but you lose something in your old age that completely ruins any chance of a smooth high five.

I mean look at Tiger Fucking Woods.  Dude is one of the greatest golfers of all time and he still can’t pull off the elusive high five.

Oh, and the moral of the story is, if you can’t get someone to do a high five, don’t tap them on the head and then get sued.

For Sure NOT High Five When You Are Old

May 29, 2009

WASHINGTON — Cool and collected, Kavya Shivashankar wrote out every word on her palm and always ended with a smile. The 13-year-old Kansas girl saved the biggest smile for last, when she rattled off the letters to “Laodicean” to become the nation’s spelling champion.

C, O, R….R…..Are going to the mall today????

FS Couch

May 29, 2009

The Road to the FSN Final Four is complete.

We begin with the Hanna Region champ:

#1. Jessica Rabbit



The Barbera Region Champ

#2. Lola Bunny


This is the undercard matchup of the Final Four, but still a clash of two very legit SS’s in it’s own right.

Lola was so sexy she was stringing along the Monstars on the hardwood.

But this is the Final 4 folks, and being a different species is a serious knock.  Listen, I’m a human.  And humans don’t fuck rabbits.

I mean, sure, if I was a bunny, Lola would be my number 1.  But, if I were to become a bunny, all the other human SS’s probably wouldn’t want to F me.

So, you see, in order for Lola to be considered the Cartoon Smokeshow Champ, it would take sacrificing all other Cartoon SS’s.  And I am For Sure NOT prepared to do that.

You had a good run, Lola, but a rabbit can only go so far.  Call it discrimination if you want, but Jessica Rabbit and her human anatomy advance to the FSN Cartoon Smokeshow Championship Matchup

Moving to the right side of the bracket, we have the matchup the entire Nation has been waiting for.  An Epic clash of two Disney SS Titans.  Our Final Four Main Event.

In one corner, sporting her trademark ginger hair and her traditional sea shell bra, the Champion of the Betty Boop Region:

#1. Ariel

FS Airel

And in the other corner, in her traditional puffy blue Princess pants, with matching head band and her off the shoulder tank top, the Princess of Agrabah, and Champ of the Minnie Mouse Region

#2 Jasmine


An epic theoretical smokeshow battle that has only been played out in the mind’s of young boys and immature men.  Until now.  The question of which Disney Princess is the hottest will be answered once and for all:

The tale of the tape:

Princess Jasmine – a 16 year old DIME PIECE.  Heiress to unimaginable wealth, fortune and power.   Bound by the cultural laws of the Middle East, meaning she will be subservient and will do your bidding.  Also, I’m assuming the aforementioned Kingdom she inherits basically becomes yours cuz your a man.

Sick body, flat stomach, exotic look.  EFFFF ESSSS.

The Little Mermaid Ariel – a 15 year old redhead, and heiress to the entire Sea.  Almost always completely naked, with only a sea shell bra.  Clearly all she wants to do is F, cuz she throws herself at that dude to make sure she pleases him in every way possible.

In what seems like an impossible choice, we need to dig deep here, Nation.  We need to find the x factor, the one advantage that tips the scales in one direction or the other:

Ariel signed over her ability to speak to Ursula the Witch.  And that means ZERO bitching and complaining.  Also means she can’t say the word “No,” which more often than not is something a dude doesn’t wanna hear.

I like my women like I like my books:

Short, easy, and as few words as possible.

Underage chick redhead with a tight body, the inability to speak, and the power to rule over 75% of the planet earth once her dad kicks the bucket?

I think the decision has been made.  In an absolute HEARTBREAKER for Jasmine, Ariel is crowned Queen of Disney SS’s and heads on to the Finals to meet Jessica Rabbit.

Who would have thought when we began this journey 2 weeks back, two gingers would meet in the Finals?  In FSN Cartoon Smokeshow Madness, ANYTHING can happen.

For Sure Jessica Rabbit VS. Ariel