If you don’t know about The Onion by now, you should just end it.

The following article is without a doubt the funniest article I’ve ever read on The Onion.

For Sure Onion

***FSN MUST READ***

WASHINGTON—Less than 24 hours into their class trip to Washington D.C., ninth-graders from Middleton Junior High School are reporting that three of their female classmates have been fingered.

I have not laughed this hard at work in a LONG time. This is a Worth Getting Fired For article.  Couple Highlights:

— Others who have been implicated in alleged fingerings include Allison Maida, whose whereabouts between 3:30 p.m. and 3:45 p.m. Friday remain unknown.

“She was probably getting fingered,” Joey Ross, 14, said.

— “I guarantee Dave Hilland will finger Jessica Swink,” Geoff Schroyer told reporters, adding that Hilland fingered Swink during last summer’s whale-watching trip in Boston. “If not tonight, then definitely during the bus ride back. Either way, he’ll finger her.”

— When last available for comment, students said that Michael Biller and Carrie Washburn had stayed behind as their tour group left a monument—the name of which they could not recall—and that the situation would likely end with Washburn being “finger slammed.”

Second only to the Juice Box Era is the Finger Blast Era, when young adolescents were just GETTING AFTER IT all day err day.

FSFBE

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