April 30, 2009

If you don’t know about The Onion by now, you should just end it.

The following article is without a doubt the funniest article I’ve ever read on The Onion.

For Sure Onion


WASHINGTON—Less than 24 hours into their class trip to Washington D.C., ninth-graders from Middleton Junior High School are reporting that three of their female classmates have been fingered.

I have not laughed this hard at work in a LONG time. This is a Worth Getting Fired For article.  Couple Highlights:

— Others who have been implicated in alleged fingerings include Allison Maida, whose whereabouts between 3:30 p.m. and 3:45 p.m. Friday remain unknown.

“She was probably getting fingered,” Joey Ross, 14, said.

— “I guarantee Dave Hilland will finger Jessica Swink,” Geoff Schroyer told reporters, adding that Hilland fingered Swink during last summer’s whale-watching trip in Boston. “If not tonight, then definitely during the bus ride back. Either way, he’ll finger her.”

— When last available for comment, students said that Michael Biller and Carrie Washburn had stayed behind as their tour group left a monument—the name of which they could not recall—and that the situation would likely end with Washburn being “finger slammed.”

Second only to the Juice Box Era is the Finger Blast Era, when young adolescents were just GETTING AFTER IT all day err day.



April 30, 2009

If you’re feeling any of the various Swine Flu symptoms and want to check if you may have been infected, head here:



~ Photo courtesy of thedanzatap.com

April 30, 2009

Jeeeeeeesus I don’t know what’s worse The Swine Flu Hysteria or the New York Mets Doomsayers.

Right now, the Mets are three games under .500 (9-12) and 4.5 games out of first.

Last season, on June 10th the Mets were 3 games under .500 (30-33) and were 7.5 games out of first.

Eventually the Mets turned that deficit into a 4 game lead and their highwater mark of 16 games over five hundo.  Obviously we all know their pen collapsed in September.  But my point is the 2008 Mets were still in a position to win in their division after struggling like they have so far in 2009, except for the first 63 games, not just 21.

This season, David Wright is hitting to the tune of .280/.372/.390 with 1 HR, 8 RBI and 27 K.  Mets fans are ready to burn him at the stake.

Lets look back to 2007 – Through April 30th David Wright was batting .244/.340/.311 with 0 HRs, 6 RBI, and 25K.

Wright finished the 2007 season batting .325/.416/.546 with 30 HR and 107 RBI, and was considered by many the real MVP.

And then there is the cliche, go to phrase of every Mets Hater out there “Does the bullpen just not like Johan Santana?” (The Pen blew a potential Johan W Yesterday)

Matt Cerrone over at Metsblog pointed out today:

According to the Elias Sports Bureau, courtesy of ESPN.com, yesterday was was the eighth time since joining the Mets that Johan Santana pitched at least seven innings, gave up two runs or less, and did not get a win.

Giants RHP Matt Cain and Phillies RHP Cole Hamels have the same numbers and result since the start of 2008.

So the Phillies Bullpen, regarded as one of the most successful in baseball history in 2008, have let their ace down just as much as the Mets Pen, which is regarded as one of the dumpiest relief staffs of all time.

Obviously, none of this shit good.  Wright has struggled, the team has struggled, and the Pen (MUCH improved on the season) has struggled this past week.  But it is nothing out of the ordinary.

And quit worrying about runners left on base.  Couple more balls fall in for hits here and there and that stat is in a completely different place.

What you SHOULD worry about is starters 2-5 pitching very very very dumpy.

For Sure NOT On the Ledge

April 30, 2009

G Chat Registry in the Sky

I have debates regarding Sex vs. Food quite often.  Seriously probably a little too often.

Where does food rank in the hierarchy of Man Necessities as compared to sex?

Bearing in mind when you’re old and shit, sex with your old looking wife will dwindle, while quality food will never depreciate.

So for instance would you give up sex (meaning normal sex, you can still get blowers and all the peripheral sex) for a lifetime of gourmet whatever-you-want-whenever-you-want food?

Vote FS or FSN

April 30, 2009

April 30, 2009

Bitch Tits.

The Most Talented Baseball Player ever has been reduced to the name “Bitch Tits.”

If anyone ever called Michael Jordan Bitch Tits, they would be murdered on the spot.

So now the latest is that Arod has probably been doing steriods for the past 12 years, dating back to his High School days in 1997.

In 1997 gas was a quarter, a loaf of bread was a dime, and you and a date could go see a talkie at the theaters for a nickel.  And Arod was ALREADY doing the juice then.

Other Allegations in Selena “I ruin Duke Lacrosse Players’ Lives” Roberts includes:

• A-Rod “pitch tipped” when he played for the Rangers by letting opponents at the plate know which pitch was coming in lopsided games. A-Rod expected players he helped would reciprocate when he was having an off night and needed to get his batting average up.

• A-Rod’s off-the-field antics including his poker habit; his divorce from his wife, Cynthia, his relationship with Madonna and his other affairs are detailed.

• A-Rod was hated at Hooters, where he tipped the minimum 15 percent.

• A-Rod eats children for breakfast lunch and dinner

• A-Rod is actually the cause of the Swine Flu

• A-Rod wears brown shoes with black belts, and DOESN’T think anything is wrong!

For all you Conspiracy Theorists out there who think A-Rod’s injury is an elaborate super secret 50 game suspension like when MJ “retired” becuase of a gambling suspension:

1) Here are pictures of Tupac….ALIVE!

2) The 51st game of the season for the Yankees is May 31st.  He’s slated to come back on the 15th.  Perhaps a two week set back will be perpetrated by Bud Selig and his gang of Flying Monkeys!

Fuck A Rod, can we go back to talking about Pirates?

FSN A Rod, FS Pirates

April 30, 2009

You wanna know how I know I’m a puppet on the strings of the corporate Puppet Master?

An email circulated around my office today from our employer regarding the Swine Flu.

The NUMBER ONE precaution to take in order to “keep yourself healthy” was:

1. “Take your laptop home with you ever night so you will be able to work from home in the event the situation changes”

This was followed by advice on what to do if your family member is sick and how its important to update emergency contact info.

For Sure NOT Work From Home During Pandemic.

Fuck my life.