FSN Throwback of the Day

Throwback of the Day – Lunch Time at School

Lunch time was the fucking SHIT in elementary school. I’m about to rattle off everything you ever forgot about lunchtime from 1st grade through like 6th grade.

Lets start out with the basics.  How are you going to get your lunch to school and harbor it safely before lunchtime?

A MOTHERFUCKING LUNCH BOX!  Lunch Boxes absolutely, unequivocally KILL IT.

If you think I didn’t have this EXACT LB right here, you must be outside of your mind:

For Sure Ghostbusters

For SURE Ghostbusters.  Although I must say, the thermos was for the birds.  Especially if you sat there and actually used the top as a cup and sipped out of that.  If you did that, you were probably the same lame kid who was too afraid to jump off the swings at recess.

You know what was the best part about lunch boxes?  The smell.  To this day, I have never smelled anything that is quite like an elementary schooler’s lunchbox.  Think about it – literally HUNDREDS of different sandwiches and snacks packed into this one little cube each and every day.  The smell was a blend of everything you’ve ever eaten at school for YEARS.

My go-to sandwich when I was a kid?  Bologna and f’n cheese.  Bologna epitomizes elementary school cuz NOBODY over the age of 11 eats bologna sandwiches.  I swear there is like an age or height limit on bologna.  Its like the reverse of a roller coaster.  You must be no older than 11 or less than 4 foot 5 to eat bologna sandwiches.

When Oscar Mayer blew everyone’s fuckin mind and made Lunchables I went with the bologna, crackers and American cheese set.  All the johnny-come-lately’s who jumped on the bandwagon late in like 5th grade ate the broke ass pizza one.  F that.  The Originator None Greater.

What did I drink?  Juicy Juice.  HA! I’m fucking with you what do you think I’m some sorta hippie?  If you ask me, there was one possible drink worthwhile while still in the Juice Box Phase of life:

Hi-C Ecto Cooler:

For Sure Slimer

SLIMER.  Hell yea.  It fit perfect with the lunch box.

Alright alright, lets cut to the chase.  Lunch wasn’t about sandwiches and drinks, it was all about the post meal snack.

There was one generic that pretty much everyone liked:

For Sure Roll Up

What a great idea this was – flavored plastic.  8 year olds everywhere will love it! $5 Billion later the Fruit Roll Up has been immortalized as one of the Greatest of all Time when it came to lunch snacks.  And the same fucking kid drinking out of the thermos was actually taking the time to punch out the cut out pictures.  Either that, or he was eating Fruit by the Foot with all the girls.

If Fruit Roll Ups were number 1, Gushers were 1a:

For Sure Gush

Im not gonna sit here and tell you that I didn’t like Gushers, but for my money I’d take Shark Bites over Gushers any day of the week:

For Sure Great White

Whether or not I got a Great White Shark in my package at lunch could literally make or break my day.  If I didn’t get one, watch the fuck out at recess I’d be on a rampage.

Every now and then, if I was lucky enough to have the $1.25 on me, or I begged my friends and scared the younger kids into giving me their change, I’d pay a visit to the lunch line and grab the best ice cream available.  Some days, the mighty King Cone:

For Sure King

Other days, the legendary Choco Taco:

For Sure Taco Made of Chocolate

These were the decisions to be made during the Juice Box Era.  The world at your fingertips.  Not a care in the world.  The only money you needed?  A few bucks for snacks.  The only decision to be made?  What kind of ice cream you wanted.  The only drama in your life?  If someone had a cooler lunch box than you.

Before I conclude my Ode to Lunchtime, I gotta bring this up.  When i was in like 3rd Grade, my school introduced Milk “Pouches” and got rid of milk cartons.  Anybody else get these stupid fucking things:

For Sure Pouch

Don’t look at the big bags.  I don’t know what those are. But the two flat rectangle pouches were what replaced milk cartons. (Sidenote: that’s a whole other lunchtime nuance as well.  Hundreds of little kids drinking fuckin MILK with lunch)

Anyway, anybody else ever have these fuckin things?  Successfully getting a straw into these MFers was basically brain surgery.  It made getting a straw into a Capri Sun look like child’s play.

Of course all me and me delinquent friends used to just take the pouches them and throw them at the kid eating Fruit by the Foot drinking out of his thermos cup.

See you at recess bitches.

For Sure Juice Box Era.

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