March 31, 2009

(CNN)A Maryland woman involved with a group described as a religious cult pleaded guilty in the starvation death of her son, but insisted that the charges be dropped when he is resurrected.

Well this is a little something I like to call Snake It Till You Make It.

If I’m this bitch I’m getting someone to go steal a little fucker from a Third World Country like Madonna and say he was resurrected.

For Sure Negotiate Conditions Outside The Realm Of Reality In Your Plea Bargain

~ Shout out to the Garbageman


March 31, 2009

G Chat Registry in the Sky

For Sure NOT Scratch Fleas With Your Legs When You Are Human

March 31, 2009

Smoking Gun – MARCH 31—In a law enforcement first, Ohio cops this month arrested a man for drunk driving on a motorized bar stool.

If El Pres over at doesn’t get one of these and ride them around like Van Wilder at the next Smokeshow Party, the world is not right.

For Sure DUI on Barstool Go Kart

~ Shout out to C Bo for the link

March 31, 2009

SALT LAKE CITY – Police said a customer fired one or two shots into a Salt Lake City McDonald’s after the driver of the car he was in was told the restaurant was not serving lunch yet. Police said the female driver of a white Dodge Intrepid pulled up to the drive-thru and ordered from the lunch menu early Sunday but was told only breakfast was available.

Police said two men then got out of the car and one pulled a sawed-off shotgun from the trunk, shooting into the drive-thru window once or twice, The Salt Lake Tribune reported Monday. No one was injured.

Well, this is COMPLETELY ridiculous.  When was the last time someone got angry that they made it to McDonalds IN TIME for the breakfast menu?

There have been times when I show up at like 11:05 on a weekend, and I realize I’m too late.  Naturally I reach for the sawed off shotgun, but cooler heads prevail.

McDonalds would make $1 Trillion more if they served breakfast all day and night.  Its an economic fact.

For Sure Sausage Egg and Cheese on a Biscuit


~ Shout out to the Big Verdict for the link

FSN Rookie of the Year

March 30, 2009

Rookie of the Year – Natasha Henstridge – Species – 1995

The year was probably about 1997.  I was about 12 years old, and had probably just discovered the movie Species, a Sci-Fi Thriller about a sex crazed alien who wants to F as many human men as possible in order to populate the planet with killer aliens.

Now, to understand the affect this can have on a young man about to go through puberty, you need to understand the metamorphasis that has just recently occurred in the male mind.

Through the use of visual aids, I will illustrate why Species was fucking awesome.

Stage A:

For Sure Pre Pubescent

As you see through Exhibit A, at this stage in a boy’s life, his mind is completely occupied by Ninjas, Cowboys, Astronauts, Aliens and the like.  He is 200% convinced he can and will become some sort of superhero and living a glorious life of valor and power.

However, sometime between the ages of 9 and 10, every male recieves a certain vaccination:

Circle, Circle, Dot, Dot, Now I Got The Cootie Shot.

And everything DRAMTICALLY changes

Stage B, Post Cootie Shot:

For Sure Hot Bitches

Out of NOWHERE, Hot Bitches steals anywhere between a 50%-60% market share of the Pubescent Male Through Process.  Ninjas/Cowboys/Astronauts/Aliens take a still remain a huge part of the Thought Process, but takes a back seat

Now, how does this all relate to Natasha Henstridge and Species? Well, lets go to Exhibit C:

For Sure Venn Diagram

As you can see from the progression of Exhibits A through C, Species encapsules everything that matters to a young male ages 6 through 12.  This motion picture is the culmination of the ONLY things that had gone through the mind of males from 1st through 6th grade in the early to mid 90s.

Natasha Henstridge was this 20 year old SS named Sil just PLOWTOWNING the human race.

For Sure Species

In my mind, 42% of me wanted to play the role of Superhero Astronaut, killing Sil and saving the world. But, 58% of me had a funny feeling in my pants, and that funny feeling prevailed.

For Sure Species

** Update – JT said he’d love to see the breakdown of the Male Thought Process after age 12.  Although things are not as simple as they were back in the Juice Box Era, I believe Stage C, after age 12 would look something like this:

For Sure Life After 12

As you can see, booze is introduced to the adolescent male, which takes a huge chunk of the brain.  Sports becomes a more practical escape than “playing pretend,” and maintaining a pulse while poisoning the body with various toxins becomes a concern 3% of the time.  1% of the Thought Process is still dedicated to the desire to be a Ninja, Cowboy, Astronaut, Alien, etc.  This totals 99% of the Male Thought Process Age 12+.

1% of the time, Males Age 12+ are atrociously hungover.  During these times, the Male Brain is completely devoid of thought.

March 30, 2009

LAKELAND, Fla. — The long-speculated decision on Dontrelle Willis ended up being an unexpected diagnosis and a trip to the disabled list. The Tigers placed the former 22-game winner on the 15-day DL Sunday morning with anxiety disorder.

Everybody keeps emailing me asking me to write about Dontrelle saying “how can anxiety be a reason to hit the DL?”

Makes perfect sense to me – I’d be nervous as fuck throwing a flat, erratic slider and a dull fastball that doesn’t fool anyone anymore.

But God bless Major League Baseball.  Only profession in the world where you can get nervous about how much you suck at your job and your employer will be like “ahhh no sweat bro take 2 weeks off.”

FS Anxiety Cuz You Suck Now

March 30, 2009

An Australian man who pimped a 16-year-old schoolgirl paid her with chicken nuggets for having sex with men, a court has been told.

Well, before we get all uppity about this, I think we need a few more facts.

Was it a 10 Piece Value Meal, or just a dollar menu 4 Piece?

If it was a 10 Piece and he provided the proper array of dipping sauces, i.e. Barbeque and Honey Mustard, then I don’t see what the big deal is.

And, if he somehow bargained that payment would just be a dollar menu 4 Piece, well then my friends this guy is just a master negotiator  I see no way this man can be convicted of any such “sordid offence.”  Matter of fact he should be on Big Idea with Donny Deutsch or something discussing his business model.

For Sure Pay Prostitutes With Nuggets


~ Shout out to Owen for the link.  Dermy you know you want these nuggets