FSN Throwback of the Day

Throwback of the Day – RBI Baseball

I PROMISE you there has never been and will never be a better Throwback than this.  You can all thank me later for starting your week off with the GLORIOUS memories of the greatest Nintendo game ever created, RBI Baseball.  I’m about to rattle off like 10,000 words so if you don’t like RBI, A) Go F urself, B) Your RBI Baseball-less life sucks.

You can give me motion sensor controllers with rumble paks, impeccable graphics with realistic movement, and internet connections with the ability to chat with other gamers thousands of miles away, and I will still choose the dumpy little block characters from RBI Baseball.

RBI had it all – 1980s baseball franchises, a RIDICULOUS soundtrack, and the perfect gameplay.  It was easy enough to pick up and instantly start playing, but if studied correctly the game could be perfected and one could be dominant.

In my opinion, there were three legit teams:

A)  Detroit Tigers: The Tigers featured a BOMB SQUAD lineup.  Leading off at Shortstop was Alan Trammel, followed by the Left Fielder Kirk Gibson, and the first baseman Darrel Evans.  “DaEvans” was BEASTLY and in my opinion the most fearsome hitter in the game.  Matty Nokes batted cleanup and rounded out what could have been the best 1-4 in the League

Every member of the Tigers had double digit HRs except for dumpy Larry Herndon.  I also loved the Tigers cuz the bottom of their lineup always performed.  Lemon in the 6th hole dropped bombs and “Brookn” in the 8 slot was almost like a second leadoff hitter.  Goddam they killed it.

I was never a fan of the DET pitching staff.  Alexander was a solid starter but beyond him it was pretty dumpy

2) Boston Red Sox

The Sox were a bizarre case – their default starting lineup was preposterous.  The first thing that any decent RBI player must know is that Tony Armas must be subbed into the lineup immediately.  Dude has FORTY THREE fucking Home Runs and he’s on the bench.  Marty Barrett, take a fucking seat, Tony Armas needs to go to work.

Buckner is really shitty too…its almost as if RBI Baseball was clairvoyant and knew what Buckner’s MLB fate would be.  I sit his his ass down for Timmy Burks.  After the Armas Burks changes, you’re set with your lineup.  Boggs-Rice-Baylor is a devestating 3-4-5 and probably the best middle of the lineup in the game.

Success with Boston hinges upon one man, really.  Roger Clemens.  If the Rocket gives you like 7 Innings you’re in great shape.  If you have to dip into the bullpen of Hurst/Stanley/Schiraldi, you’re potentially fucked.

The Sox also feature probably the worst player in all the game: Spike Owen.  If I was the real Spike Owen, I would undoubtedly kill myself for how shitty I was in this game.  Its like a Scarlet Letter of shame being portrayed this badly in a video game.

D) NY Mets.  Clearly I’m bias here.  But I think the Mets were sucha great squad cuz their 0ff the field clout was SO LEGIT.  Playing as Darryl, Keith, the Mook and criminals like NAILS and Wally Backman, with Doc on the bump has some intrinsic value that other RBI teams simply can’t match.

But lets be honest, plenty of games have had these same players.  RBI made its money with its unique traits and quirks.  First off, the soundtrack was UNREAL.  The Opening Music after you select your teams gets me FIRED THE FUCK UP, and  I love how the music shifts from the playful melody to the ominous “Bom Bom Ba Dum, Bom Bom Ba Dum” once someone got on base.  The Pop Fly noise, the “ahhhh, ahhh, ahhh” of the crowd…just priceless

Hitting an Off the Screen Home Run in RBI is one of the most satisfying moments anyone can have not involving strippers in Vegas.  And even if I had the choice between sexual escapades with Vegas Strippers and a Off the Screen Blast, it would be a game time decision.

One of the most tense moments in video game history is a late inning at bat in which your pitcher has a limp arm and can only deliver the Wobble Pitch.  Even the fireballers like Ryan and Clemens succomb to the Wobble Pitch, all one can do is let go of the 50 MPH offering and pray for the best.  It’s akin to caulking your wagon on the last river of the Oregon Trail…the rest is in God’s Hands.  You watch the screen with one eye closed and your head tilted away from the potential Off the Screen blast your opponent may be momentarily unleashing.

In an equal but opposite fashion, the batter is salivating, knowing that the next pitch may potentially be sitting on a tee.  The batter times it right, and pushes down SO HARD on the A Button to the point that the plastic controller starts creaking and clicking.  Will the Wobble Pitch drop and hit home plate for Strike 3, or will it be a three run blast?  Two Roads diverged on a baseball diamond…

For Sure Greatest Game of All Time

*Note – Check back Tuesday morning for part 2

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