Throwback of the Day – 1990s Nickelodeon
Nickelodeon during the 90s was an unstoppable Dynasty. It just churned out hit after hit after hit. I bet some top dog exec during that decade made a billion off of all of us. One Billion Dollars. Whether it was daytime after school or SNICK on the weekends, if you were between the ages of 5 and 15 in the 90s you know you loved it. I’ll start with the obvious:
1. GUTS – Do, do, do, do do ya have it? GUTS. I won’t ramble on too long about Mike O’Malley and the autistic retards who competed on GUTS. But just know this, I GUARANTEE there are a few guys out there who are college-aged now who have gotten laid cuz they have a piece of the Aggro-Crag in their dormroom. Take it to the bank.
2. Legend of the Hidden Temple – I still maintain to this day that The Temple Run is the most difficult physical challenge in game show history. I’d rather run the Eliminator on American Gladiators than do the Temple Run. They give 10 yr old kids 60 seconds to collect 127 medallions as they run through a multi-leveled labryinth with mandingo tribesmen pouncing on them from all angles. Are you fucking SERIOUS?
3. Are You Afraid of the Dark? – I don’t give a fuck who you are, this shit was terrifying. I remember watching the one about the kid who is haunted by his friend who drowned after finding his friends shiny red bike. I shit myself and it was 4PM on a weekday with the sun shining.
4. I’ll sum up Hey Dude really quick: Melanie could FOR SURE GET IT.
4. Wha, wha, What Would You Do? WWYD KILLED IT. Remember they used to stick those cards on an audience member’s head and it would say something like “Hidden Talent?” And then some stupid kid in the audience would be like “Oh i can make my thumb touch my wrist!” and the whole audience would be like “go fuck yourself kid we wanted to see your face get ROCKED in the pie pod”?
5. Salute Your Shorts – I’ll keep it short and sweet – Donkey Lips was the fattest motherfucker I’ve ever seen. I think I saw him on the TLC special “I Eat 30,000 Calories a Day.” Also, the Awful Waffle was some BIZARRE shit. If a bunch of dudes tried to rape me with a tennis racquet and maple syrup at summer camp, I’d for sure be handing out lawsuits.
I mean, there are a million others I could go on about. Doug, Pete & Pete, Double Dare, Wild and Crazy Kids, Nick Arcade, All That…the list goes on for days. Goddam I wish I could go back to those days.
FOR SURE OUR CHILDHOOD WAS BETTER THAN KIDS WHO GREW UP WATCHING BULLSHIT LIKE POWER RANGERS AND POKEMON.